I mean, this place is good, but can I get a splash of tea in there?
It's all balls.
Boba tea is an ancient Taiwanese tradition
that dates all the way back to the 1980s.
Could you show it a little bit of respect? Thanks.
They're not respecting me! I complained
last time I was here that they were over-balling me,
and now they're over-balling me just to piss me off.
Complaining about extra boba.
This is why people hate our generation.
My boba tea ratio is off!
Nobody cares about your boba tea ratio.
- I care! - You know what?
Maybe the boba tea artist felt like that boba tea ratio,
and maybe you should respect them.
You're just mad that I have more boba balls than you.
- [SHAD] Benji? - Shad! What's up, man?
- How are you? - Great! Good to see you, dude.
Same, dude. You got a lot of balls there, huh?
- Yeah, they over-ball me here. - Yeah, they do that.
- [BENJI] It's passive-aggressive. - Who is this guy?
Oh, this is Shad.
- Hey, what's up? - [BENJI] He was my friend in high school.
I didn't know you had a friend in high school!
- Yeah, I had, like, three. - Benji and I, we were kind of like
the Matt Damon and Ben Affleck of high school theater.
- Shad! - [SHAD] We were!
- What?! - [SHAD] But this guy...
This guy was always the star.
They even changed "My Fair Lady"
to "My Fair Gentleman" just so he could play the lead.
Well, there's never enough parts for guys, so that's good.
Oh, dude! Speaking of our old high school,
I'm actually directing "Romeo and Juliet" there,
but I have to bail, because I just booked a part on "Ballers."
- Oh, cool, man. - It's pretty dope.
This is crazy, but I... It's very short notice.
Do you think you could cover for me?
Yes, I could cover! Oh. Oh.
- Esther! Get your own Shad. - Sorry.
Dramatic teens are my bread and butter. I'm sorry.
Bread and cheese is your bread and butter.
Both can be true.
Um, Shad, is it OK if my friend Esther
joins me on this directing venture?
Yeah, that... that work, I really don't care.
As long as you cover for me, you can bring whoever you want.
Hey, just, uh... E-mail me, all right?
- I'll shoot you the deets, everything. - All right, cool, man. Thank you.
You like that? It's my new business card.
It's got my headshot on front, IMDb on back.
I'm familiar with the headshot medium. Thank you.
- All right, e-mail me, all right? - All right, cool.
- Nice to see you, man. - Same!
[GASPS] He was a corpse on "Law & Order"?
Lucky! That's my dream entry-level acting job.
Good, huh?
Yeah.
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -
Well, that's cool that you decided
to dress like a teen mom Christmas shopping
at Dollar Tree for your first day at work.
KEY WORD: "teen." They're gonna relate to me.
Ugh. I'm getting high school flashbacks.
One time, I was walking up to school,
and Lindsay Pierce asked me if I wanted a cigarette.
Needless to say, I un-friended her ass
before I got to homeroom.
There were, like, ten Lindsays in my school. None of them would talk to me.
Ey-O! Substitute teacher coming through!
Sir, I don't know if anyone told you,
but a gorilla left his pubes on your head.
[LOGAN] Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
Hey, gorillas are beautiful, majestic creatures!
Hey! Shut your degenerate ass up.
It's not his fault he's ugly!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Gorillas don't even have pubes. Their fur is consistent.
Benji, don't let that kid get to you, OK?
Boys like that, they peak in high school.
You haven't even reached your peak yet.
You may never peak.
You ready?
Let's do this!
- Hello, actors! - Hello!
- Yes? - Sir, I'm not an actor.
I'm Kevin. I'm your technician.
Wonderful, Kevin. Get me a Snapple.
Hi, everyone. I am Benji.
I am so excited to be here.
Um... I'm actually a former student.
Some of you might recognize me, or maybe you've heard of me
from the critically acclaimed production of "The Wizard of Oz,"
where I played the Wizard and the Cowardly Lion.
I can get dressed and undressed really fast.
Is that a weird thing to tell a room full of children?
It wasn't... You guys got what I meant, right?
- [STUDENT] What? - [ESTHER] Anyways...
I'm Esther, and you can call me "Estella,"
'cause that's the version of my name I always wanted.
Why? Because once we walk through those doors,
we're anyone we want to be!
[BENJI] That's what we're bringin'.
Now, did someone here order some journals
with a side of self-discovery?
What is it with you and the journaling?
Are you trying to run a sober living house or something?
In my high school drama class, we journaled,
because it allowed us to dive deeper
into ourselves and our characters.
Every role she got in high school had one line.
But I knew their psychology.
Elegant Partygoer was elegant. She went to parties.
She entered on page 14. She exited stage right, interesting choice.
All right, now, don't be shy. You can write
your deepest, darkest secrets in these journals,
because no one is gonna read them, except for me.
Can I have the purple glittery one?
Oh, um... That one's actually mine.
But... I want you to have it.
[CHUCKLES]
[BENJI] All right, we're gonna start with a game called "Zip Zap Zop."
It's a little silly, but we're just trying
to warm up our bodies and our minds.
Oh, good. There you are. Um... Hey, I just wanted to apologize.
I'm sorry. We're doing a theatre exercise.
Detention's probably down the hall.
I'm the lead. Romeo.
Your Snapple, sir.
Techy Kev, is that guy really the lead of the play?
Affirmative, sir. That's Logan.
Look, earlier, when I called you "Gorilla Pubes,"
that was body-shaming, and that is not OK.
- Thank you. - And in a messed-up society
that places so much value on appearance,
I can't imagine what you go through every day.
- [CLASS CHUCKLING] - OK, that's enough. Thank you.
Uh, we're gonna start the game.
[BENJI] Cool? I'll start.
- Zip! - Uh... Zap!
Great job. Zop!
Zi... uh, I'm sorry.
Uh, I don't think clapping at my peers
is really gonna help me.
Uh, my character has to commit suicide,
so... think I'm just gonna go meditate.
Logan, come on, man!
I can teach you stuff about acting, all right?
I was a SoundCloud Artist to Watch in 2015.
Yeah, well, I'm repped by Gersh.
Is that what it's about? I'm a stand-up comedian.
- A professional. - [LOGAN] It's impressive.
Guess what else is impressive? Daniel Tosh follows me on Twitter.
Yeah, maybe I should DM him and see if he's heard of you.
You know what? Are we allowed cell phones?
I don't think so. And I'm not impressed by Daniel Tosh, OK?
I'm not a frat guy in 2003.
Not to mention, if we're playing the name-dropping game,
I'm friends with Pauly Shore. Full-blown friends.
I know his Hotmail address.
- [CLASS MUTTERING] - [STUDENT] What's Hotmail?
Dude, nobody knows who that guy is.
Techy Kev, you know who Pauly Shore is, right?
Affirmative. He's one of the "Stranger Things" kids.
- Right? - Zip!
Hey, can I borrow a quarter? It's sort of an emergency.
Oh, my God. Yes, of course.
Thank you for feeling safe enough to ask me.
- Of course. - Here you go.
Oh, I've never used a tampon. I use...
(MOUTHING SILENTLY) ...pads.
Oh, I have one of those, too.
Thanks! You are, like, such a cool grown-up!
- Really? - Yeah!
Like the coolest grown-up I've ever met.
Oh, my God! I'm, like, barely a grown-up, just so you know.
I'm so glad Mr. Shad's gone.
- [GASPS] Same. - OK, I gotta go. Thanks!
I lost them. They're all meditating.
When I was a kid, I stared off into space,
and they wanted to put me on medicine.
I found her, Benji.
She's the wing for me to be the wind beneath.
- That girl? - Yeah.
Stop trying to befriend 12-year-old girls. You're an adult.
Ow! It's like the third time I've been slapped in this hallway.
This was so much fun. I stayed up all night.
- I couldn't stop. - Oh, my God.
You journaled as your character?
She hid in a dead horse to escape an evil friar?
[GASPS] That is such a cool backstory for Wench Three.
Well, nobody is born a wench.
That's so true. It makes me wonder,
where does Jane end and Wench three begin?
You know, when my high school did "Fiddler on the Roof,"
I would have dreams as Jew Number Four.
[BENJI] All right, everybody, listen up. We're gonna start with the end
of Act Two, Scene Two.
[CLEARS THROAT]
What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
- The exchange of thy love's faithful vow... - Stop! Stop!
Logan, I can't hear you.
We got the senior citizens in the back row, so...
[BENJI] Projection! Thank you.
Psst. Doesn't your eye keep going to Wench Three?
[ESTHER] The camera loves her.
- There's no camera. - What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
- Exchange of thy love's faithful vows... - Logan!
I love what you're doing, but... How do I put this?
I'm 86 years old. I was a propeller engineer in the Korean War.
Bad hearing, back row, maybe my last day on Earth, and I can't hear ya.
(LOUDLY) The exchange of thy love's faithful vows...
Logan! Logan! Does "loud" mean "angry"?
(LOUDLY) Tulips! Huh! Puppies! Huh! You see that? Loud, not angry.
Dude, I know how to project.
Think, um... yeah, last I checked,
I'm the director, and you've got to respect me.
Do you respect you?
[CLASS MURMURING]
That's not the point.
The point is, is I can't hear you.
You know, my therapist says insecurities are common
in people who weren't breast-fed. I'm guessing you weren't.
- I didn't say anything! - [CLASS MURMURING]
I rejected the breast. I preferred formula.
Did your mom freeze her breast milk? 'Cause I'll take it.
- [CLASS MURMURING] - I mean, it's good for you.
- Olympians drink it. - This is inappropriate!
You're not drinking my mom's breast milk!
We're going to the principal's office right now! Let's go!
Take that off. You don't deserve to wear it.
- Real face-to-face nuisance. - Guys...
Not every baby can latch, OK? And for the record,
I did easily, and I was breast-fed until I was four.
And that is true, and it is both beautiful and problematic.
OK, let's plow forward.
But how? We don't have Logan.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God.
I've always wanted a reason to say this.
The show must go on!
"Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"
- What satisfaction canst thou have... - Stop!
- Something's not working. - Well, maybe 'cause you're reading it.
With no energy or eye contact.
No, no. That's not it.
- No? - No, no, no.
Let's try something. Stacie, take a seat for a second.
I'll take that.
- Take a seat, please. - OK.
What are we thinkin' here?
Um... huh.
Jane.
Why don't you try reading Juliet?
- What? - [ESTHER] Yeah, why not!
[CHUCKLES] Let's try it.
"The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine."
(POORLY) "I gave thee mine before thou did this..."
- Wow. - "...request it?"
Did you see that?
- You're our new Juliet. - Wait, what?!
You are what this play was missing.
I'm... I'm sorry, like, 'scuse me?
Oh, Stacie, congratulations.
You're gonna be an amazing Wench Three.
Uh, duh-no. You can't do this. We open on Thursday.
Oh, you'll master Wench Three by then. There's no lines.
But my grandparents are driving in from Arizona!
I don't know what you want me to do here.
I already said the show must go on.
Jane, everybody!
Well, thank you, Benji, for bringing that to our attention.
Although, some of those breast feeding details were a little bit graphic.
Just wanted you to have all the info.
Logan, I expect more of you.
What have you got to say for yourself?
Yeah, Logan. I'd like to know as well. Speak up.
I'm sorry, Mr. Benji.
I've just been having a really weird day,
because it's the anniversary of my parents' divorce.
A divorce that was totally my fault.
It wasn't your fault.
Almost every divorce
my mom has is my fault.
Everybody leaves me. Shad left me,
- and now this guy is yelling at me. - Listen.
Why don't you give us a moment, OK?
Thank you. [CRIES]
You know every time one of these kids cries,
I gotta fill out a form?
Logan. Logan. I'm so sorry.
I had no idea you were dealing with all that.
If you ever want to talk, I had a really hard time in high school, too.
- I'm here. - No, it's just...
my dad, and...
I drive people away, and...
(VOICE BREAKING) and...
aaand scene!
See? I'm an amazing actor.
Was I projecting enough for you, or was that...?
- Or should I still speak up? - I knew you were lying.
I don't know. I think I had you going, there, buddy.
- I was acting, dude! - Oh! Oh, gotcha.
I was acting like I believed you! And scene!
You don't "scene" me! I "scene" you!
"So... loving... j-jealous of his liberty."
Yes. And then Romeo says whatever, and great job.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] - OK, everyone's dismissed,
except for Jane. Why don't you grab a snack?
You're gonna need the fuel.
Hey, so I just wanted to let you know
I had to recast Juliet, and it's Jane now.
OK, yeah, I don't care about Jane. Logan's my problem.
He's good-looking, and he can fake-cry.
Fake-crying should be only for ugly people
- who actually need the attention. - I agree.
That kid's an emotional terrorist.
- Nobody needs him! - Benji, settle down.
The drama kids love Logan.
I'm catching up on journals.
Is it legal that you read their journals?
Did you sign the same waiver I did?
I didn't sign that, no. I have a thing against waivers.
Oh, yeah, so then, yeah, you can probably read.
So, Emma K wrote,
"I watched a movie with Logan last night at his house."
We dry scissored, and then walked to Scooter Burger.
"It was super romantic."
Teen love.
- So they walked to Scooter Burger? - Yeah.
But that doesn't make sense.
There's no fast food allowed in Beverly Hills.
- 'Scue me? - No fast food allowed in Beverly Hills.
This is the first time I've ever felt bad for rich kids.
He lives by a Scooter Burger, he's out of district.
I might have to report him.
It's kind of my responsibility as a freelance, part-time,
unpaid substitute teacher for an after-school club.
- Think I gotta follow him home. - No, no, no, no, no, Benji.
That's a bad idea.
- [RADIO PLAYING ROCK MUSIC] - [JEFF HUMMING]
Hey, man, how come you didn't want to eat inside?
Um...
So, I'm happy we're hanging out.
Just want to put that out there.
- OK. - But also, full disclosure,
we're on a stakeout, and I need you here in case things escalate.
Come on, man! It... You told me you missed me!
I do miss you! This is a "two birds, one stone" situation.
I needed a partner in my stakeout,
and I love you.
Look, do you see that... that kid over there?
[JEFF] Yes.
He's been bullying me at school.
[LAUGHS]
I'm so s..., I... I tried.
You're getting bullied by a child?
I mean... childhood is a social construct.
We don't know when it starts or ends, really.
All right, bud. I am gonna go ahead
and pull the ripcord on this situation. I'm calling a Lyft.
I can't be out here stalking children. I'm an uncle!
Jeff, stop being so weird, OK?
All we have to do is follow this kid home.
Do you hear yourself?
Oh, my God. He's leaving.
Jane?
Jane!
Yes?
Onstage, please.
A-five, six, seven, eight!
I'm Romeo! Come find me!
And you're wearing a blindfold, too?
Hundred percent.
I don't see how this is gonna help.
Jane, if you can walk the stage blindfolded,
think about how easy that's gonna be on show night.
Whatever you say.
Over here! Find me, Juliet!
"There rust and yet me..."
Sorry. "Let me die." [GRUNTS]
I've got an idea.
Why don't we try adding an "ouch"?
- "Ouch?" - "Ouch!"
- Nope. Do it again.
- Romeo? Romeo? - Hark! Hark! Hark! Hark!
- Find me! Pliet! - Romeo! Romeo!
- "Ouch!" - "Ouch!"
I'm sorry. I just can't get this.
- Make haste! - Romeo! Ugh! Ouch!
Yes, Jane, yes! That's the "ouch" I'm looking for!
I knew I'd get it out of you.
Can I go to the nurse?
Benji, Benji, Benji!
Hey, what's up? I have great news.
I did some light child stalking yesterday,
and I was right about Logan.
- He does live outside of district. - Benji, you shouldn't stalk Logan.
He's a high school kid. Hey...
Do you know Jane's class schedule, locker combo,
or home address? Can't find her.
Hey, Midriff. You seen Jane?
- Psh. - Yeah, if I tell the school,
Logan for sure gets kicked out, but I wanna be the bigger person,
so I'm just gonna blackmail him so he pretends to respect me.
Blackmail, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Hey, can you give me one second? Jane!
[ESTHER] Where are you?!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Logan. I can't believe this is our last time hanging out.
I've had so much fun with you.
- Thanks. - But just, um, one last note,
- before your big show? - Yeah.
Don't cross the line, or I'll destroy you.
Oh! You feelin' tough?
You know what? I would just play it cool, dude.
But I... I don't know.
Maybe you'll end up in the Reseda High production of "The Lion King."
What do you think their felt budget's like?
Probably not good!
Come on, man. You wouldn't say anything.
- I wouldn't? - They'd kick me out of school.
[SIGHS] I'm so sorry. I...
- I was just overcompensating because... - Oh, is this...?
Is this, are you going to start crying again?
- What? - I know all your moves.
Just... (IN HISPANIC ACCENT) don't disrespect me,
and things should be muy bueno between us.
Are you doing Pacino from "Scarface"?
Yeah. (AS VITO CORLEONE) Have a fun time tonight.
That last one was Brando. I got range.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hi! - Can I help you?
You must be Jane's mom. I'm Esther.
I'm her director-slash-best-friend,
and I don't want to alarm you,
but Jane is 30 minutes late for the play,
and I know how much this means to her.
I think it's safe to say she's been murdered or kidnapped.
She's here. I... I'm sorry, but she's not interested in doing the play.
Huh. OK. I see what's going on here.
My parents held me back, too. Let me guess...
You gave up on your dreams, and you took the easy road.
Married a rich guy, settled down.
I'm the co-chairman of Sony Entertainment.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
I have a headshot and resume in my trunk.
If you... would... just... First, can you hand over Jane?
Esther! Stop! She's telling the truth!
I don't want to do the play!
You made it weird!
Plus, Stacie and the whole cast hate me now.
I eat lunch alone.
I'll eat lunch with you, Silly-Head!
I don't want to eat with you! Just leave me alone!
Uh, what?
Not everyone's cut out for show biz.
Should we get a lunch on the books, or, uh...?
SoulCycle? Oh.
OK...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I'm sorry. Someone's defaced your photo.
[LOGAN] You're finally breastfeeding!
- [LAUGHING] - Hilarious.
But if you really wanted this joke to land,
you should have used an orangutan,
'cause they're the primate champions of breastfeeding.
- Look it up. - Don't worry.
We're gonna find out who did this.
Oh, I think I know who did it.
It wasn't me, I swear!
But it's so funny! And you're so funny!
Speaking of "funny," you know what's hilarious?
- Logan lives in Reseda. - [GASPING]
Sorry, bud. I didn't want to do it,
but you kind of forced my hand.
He lives out of district. Out of district.
But... I'm sorry.
After my dad died, we just...
couldn't afford to stay in Beverly Hills anymore.
I was just too embarrassed to tell everyone.
[CLAPPING] Moving performance.
[STUDENT SIGHS]
But I think your story's not adding up.
You know, 'cause yesterday, it was that your dad left your mom,
and now he's dead, and... How does a corpse
leave your mom? You know what I mean?
He left my mom, and five years later, he died.
[GASPING AND MURMURING]
This is, uh...
It's gonna be hard for me to come back from.
[GRUMBLING]
Everyone, don't worry.
Logan's gonna continue to attend this school.
[RELIEVED MURMURING]
We make exceptions all the time.
Thank you.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [ESTHER] Everyone!
Okay, so, like, if we didn't have a Juliet,
how bad would that be?
[CONCERNED MURMURING]
OK, so, bad. Um, Stacie?
Where is my sweet Stacie?
She quit two days ago.
OK, now what?
You're gonna play Juliet, right, ma'am?
I... I couldn't.
We all saw this coming.
[ESTHER] If you insist, I'll do it.
You guys are good kids.
[ESTHER] Oh, happy dagger!
This is thy sheath. There rust, and let me die.
[COUGHING]
[GASPING AND MOANING]
[PANTS]
Her actual dying is a little much,
but as a corpse, I think she's gonna nail it.
[ESTHER WHIMPERS]
Techy Kevin, did you make the photo of me suckling a gorilla?
Affirmative, sir.
Why?
Um, sir, I don't respect you.
Was it something I did, or...?
No, just you.
- [ESTHER MOANING] - I get that.
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
Ouch!